My astrological advice column

Dear Rob: I need extra special mojo. It's a long story why, but suffice it to say that many threads are very close to getting woven together in a most beautiful way, and I want to make sure it all comes to pass. If you write me a great horoscope this week, I'll give you my piece of the Burning Bush from the monastery of St. Catherine of Siena on Mt. Sinai. I'll let you shake the hand that Mother Teresa touched when she promised to pray for me. I'll bake you a chocolate cake like the one that when I made it for physicist David Bohm, he said it was not illusory (the highest of compliments, coming from him). -Sagittarius on the Brink."
Dear On the Brink: I don't accept bribes, though your extraordinary offer tempts me. Luckily, it's a moot point, because your tribe's cosmic omens are positively sublime right now--even more so if you cultivate an aptitude for ingenious generosity, which you seem to be doing.

Looking for a reason to believe

I received an email from a supervisor in CA concerning the boys. It said that they were sorry to tell me that they had just found out that they were no longer available for matching. I have emailed her back to thank her and the other person I was dealing with their for all their assistance.

I had started looking out of state because someone whom I will not name here from DYFS said that it could take months before I find a match in state because there are only NINE people in Trenton who do the evaluating to make matches for the ENTIRE state. The children of my heart could be around the corner, but I would never know it. They could be spending months in foster care unnecessarilly because of bureaucracy.

So we had decided to take matters in to our own hands and stretch our nets farther afield, only to let our hearts get broken again. We have had our hearts broken time and time again because we want children and can't seem to have any biologically.

When people try to tell me that I don't undertsand something because I am not a mother, I want to eviscerate them. I was at a bridal shower last Saturday and they sat me with Miss Perfect. She had heard from her mother that we were planning to adopt. She said, " You can have mine." I said, " When can I pick them up?" Insensitive biatch.

So if I seem biatchy, I have good reasons.

I am struggling to write an autobiographical essay for one of my classes. The topic is the how and why I am a writer. To do this successfully, I must dig up some painful bones, and leave more than a few drops of blood on the page, and hope the reader understands.

Meanwhile, John spoke to the worker in NJ that will be handling our case from this end. She said that she will accept an email from the boys' worker in CA to order the release of our homestudy. I emailed my contact in the Torrance DCFS to let their worker know (I am not allowed to speak to her directly.). It's been ten days since I first received the email from CA telling me that they were available and send our homestudy to see if we are a match. I am not worried about being a match. What I am worried about is getting the right paperwork to the right people so they can make  decision and that I won't lose them to another family. I find myself falling in love with these boys even though I know I shouldn't and I need to guard my heart. In order to write for school, I have to let down my guard and let the reader inside.

I am in love or just a fool

I find myself looking at the photographs and heart continues to melt. I find myself falling and falling hard, so afraid, so afraid to lose and break my heart again. Still I look into what I hope is my future that lays in the hands of fools, and my chest begins to fill with broken glass as I try not to cry, not to care, not to hope,

 not to love.

 

 

 

 

Something Productive

I am friends with some extremely passionate people who want to make a difference in the world, but they seem to get bogged down in anger. My suggestion is that instead of getting lathered up over things we cannot change focus on doing something positive.
That is why I have signed the One campaign pledge and have added a link to their blog on my website. I am encouraging everyone who reads my blog to be a force for positive change in the world.

The Midnight Disease

For the first time in my life, I am in the company of people who understand me, because we share the midnight disease. The drive to create and to write is hardwired into our psyches, our brains.  If I could never write again, I think I could not continue living. It is who I am. I am seeing the next phase of my life spread out before me as an allegorical buffet, in part that I am no longer an outsider watching people dance through a plate glass window. I have joined the party.