When I Die

    When I die, I hope my family follows my wishes right down to the music I have already chosen for my memorial service. For the first time, I will have a service with music that reflects me.

I want-" May the Circle Be Unbroken" and " The Water is Wide" in the service with the song I was named for as the recessional- " I'll Take You Home Again, Kathleen." A song with which I have had an ambivalent relationship.

    I have always liked my name, but knowing that the song is about a woman dying far from home and the dreams she left behind there.  My life has been about not letting any dream die. From motherhood to being a writer, I have pursued it all with relentless passion. I want to be able to steal Edith Piaf's musical epitaph- 

Non, Je ne regrette rien when I go.

     My mother is having surgery again this coming week to replace her hip with Teflon, so mortality is very much on mind. She looks back on her life with the eye of missed opportunities and bitterness. I don't think she has ever been happy one day in her life even though she pretends in the interest of family harmony. Makes me wonder if she is already dead while she still breathes. To me that would be worse than dying at all.

I continue to break down

My husband like to say that he loves and is supportive of me, but when it comes down to it I really wonder. He keeps piling up things on the weekends Then I struggle during the week to keep up with my coursework. 

I find myself relapsing into old habits to get my own back. For example, I decided to move my personal account to a different bank to avoid the temptations that had me bound. Since I don't have time to make a special trip up to school to open the account, I took advantage of the online feature and applied online. When the letter came back saying I had to come into the office to do it, he opened it and flipped out thinking I resumed my old ways. Instead, I was making a serious attempt at reform.

What did I do?  If you assume the worst about me, then I want to give you exactly what you expect, which I did. He found out today and is now not talking to me, because he is so angry. Did  I do it? Yes. Was it all my fault? Yes and no.

I realize that he and I have serious problems about power in our relationship and want to work on them. He would rather pretend they don't exist hoping I can reform myself without his having to change.

 

I know I love and I want to stay married to him, but I am not sure he really wants to be married to me, imperfect as I am.