Every Thursday night this semester, my heart breaks a little. I sit down in the circle of chairs and pray. Pray that my teacher, a critically acclaimed author in her own right, will love me, love my work. Instead, my affections are spurned and self doubt about my life, my work, my talent, even my marriage creeps inside me. I wave my heart at her, begging her to love me, and there is no joy, no happy denouement.
Every Thursday night, after class, I sit in my truck and rest my head on the steering wheel. I cry and shake. My tears just come I want her love, her approval so badly. I have lost my faith in my work and talent. I dream of the director of our program, coming into that class announcing that there is a fraud among us. Someone has been admitted into our program by mistake, and must be removed before they do further damage. She calls my name, and tells me to get out, get out of this room, this circle of writers. I sign my name in my own blood that I agree to a contract written in a language I don't understand. Gathering my things, I rise from my seat while the whole class points and laughs at me.
That's when I awake.
1 comment:
Hon, why do you torture yourself like this? Stop doing this to yourself. So what if she's an acclaimed author? If you love what you write, that is what counts most. She is not GOD, or a writing god, for that matter. I mean, look, the author of "The Bridges of Madison County" was rejected so many times by publishers that he eventually self-published the book, and now it's considered a classic. The "experts" rejected him, but the public at large loved him. Be the person you are. Just as there are independent filmmakers, there are independent storytellers, and you are one of them. Listen to your inner voice, and you write what you like. In the end, that will be the best writing. Take the teacher's and the class' notes with a grain of salt, and if they do say something where you agree with the correction or change, go with it. Otherwise, go with your heart. Stop looking for approval. I think you are looking for it in the wrong place.
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